about 2weeks ago, my faith shook like it was some sort of major earthquake that can destroy the earth. up till today, the damages made isnt rebuilt or fixed. i really had no faith in God. it was just like. hey God, why are you so far away? why arent you closer to me, and tell me what you have that is in for me?

i went against you. and i still am. i admit. i am taking things in my hands. there's a part of me that wants to be lazy and let you be my scriptwriter, so i dont have to think for myself about what's happening to me, or whatever. i'll just wait for things to unfold, and let this perfect plan of yours fall into place. but no, i am not patient enough to wait for things to happen. i cant wait for everything to be known to me. i decided that i wont be lazy anymore, and i'll write my own script. i know this is bad. God is always sure about what there is out there. He makes no mistakes. we are loved, and saved through grace by faith. and yet now, i am not having any faith in Him, and all i do is wonder what's in for me, and dont give a shit about what He says. i just want to see the way my life would be, because my faith is that shaky now.

and so, why cant i just continue to be lazy, and let God write this super long script of my life that has already been planned since forever. when work's done, it's done. why in the world am i so hardworking this time to go edit something that needs to much work, effort and tears?

Dear God,
i am praying so hard right now that You can tell me something right now. tell me what i'm getting myself into for not having enough faith in you.
in Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.